Guilty of the Wilty

August 31, 2017

Hola Bitcholas,

Our resident chef, Thee Ted Nougat, brought us a list of "5 Times You Can (Safely) Send Your Food Back at a Restaurant". It was decent list, but all you really need to know is that if you're not a f**king assh*le about it, it's no problem. Sadly, MOST people, in my years of experience working in the kitchen, feel the need to be an assh*le about it. Do this at your own peril.

I've shared this story before, but it's worth repeating, as The Ted Nougat reminded me of it.

Years and years ago, when I was a cook (and drug addict like you wouldn't believe) I was working a shift with just one other cook. We'd all assumed that this particular night would be 'dead', so why overstaff? Well, we were wrong. It got REAL busy, but the other cook and I handled our business because, frankly, that's what we were paid to do.

As we're fighting our way out of the weeds, the restaurant's chef comes in in her full chef clothes (pants, jacket, ugly shoes, etc.) and we're thinking that she's gonna lend a hand.  


Instead, she grabs a seat at the bar and orders 'risotto with wilted spinach'. OK, bitch, I see how it is.  

We decided to push her ticket to the end of the line...the theory being that we'd take care of the PAYING customers first. This is standard practice for every obvious reason. However, this simple courtesy to the customers was lost on the chef. She actually walked INTO the kitchen (huge mother***king 'no-no') and asked what was taking her risotto so long. We explained our reasoning but this meant nothing to her.


I immediately prepared her risotto. The 'wilted spinach' part was done by heating up a sauté pan with olive oil and dropping the spinach in for a few seconds. What I decided to do to wilt her spinach was stuff a handful of the spinach down the front of my pants and let the heavy, funky sweat of my testicles do the wilting. Keep in mind, professional kitchens are HOT places and you're always moving, so the sweat factor is severe. It also does a wonderful job of wilting spinach.

The spinach was mixed with her risotto and the meal was served. She ate the whole thing I smiled for 3 days straight.

Maybe I'm a terrible person, but I have not one iota of regret.  

So, now you know.

Until tomorrow, do what you do best and STAY BEAUTIFUL!